Reaching your quarter-life crisis and questioning, “Am I gay?” is something many people go through, even if it feels isolating. If you’re in your 20s or 30s and trying to figure out your sexuality, know that you’re not alone. I’m here to guide you through this process of self-discovery.
As a sex therapist in Denver, I often work with clients who are trying to better understand their sexuality. They come to me with questions about their desires, sexual experiences, relationships, and moments of confusion.
One resource I recommend for self-reflection is a sexuality quiz. It can serve as a helpful starting point, providing clarity and helping you gain a deeper understanding of your attractions and emotions.
People often ask questions like:
- “Am I just curious, or could I actually be gay?”
- “I love my partner, and we’re both straight—so I can’t be gay, right?”
- “Am I gay, or am I simply not attracted to the opposite sex?”
- “I don’t feel interested in having sex with my partner.”
- “I wish there was some kind of test that could tell me if I’m gay or lesbian.”
Here’s the reality: There’s no “test” out there that will give you clear-cut answers about your sexual identity. It’s a journey, not a multiple-choice question.
Understanding Your True Identity
Figuring out who you are can be a complex and personal journey, especially when it comes to your sexual orientation and gender identity. It’s totally normal to question your sexuality at some point in your life, even if you’ve always thought of yourself as straight. Rather than a simple black-and-white label of gay or straight, sexual orientation is better understood as a spectrum. It’s okay to take your time discovering your true feelings and attractions—there’s no rush or shame in being uncertain. Many people explore their sexuality by reflecting on their experiences, trying new things, and paying attention to what feels right for them.
How to Discover If You’re Attracted to the Same Sex
Discovering your sexual identity is a deeply personal process, and everyone’s journey is different.
There’s no right or wrong timeline when it comes to figuring out who you are. The goal of this post is to provide guidance and support as you explore your sexuality, whether you’re just starting to ask questions or already in the process of understanding yourself better.
Here, I’ll cover topics like the experience of coming out, recognizing your sexual attraction, and how therapy can help you embrace your true identity. If you’ve been tangled in overthinking about your sexuality—whether you’re wondering if you’re gay, bisexual, or just curious—this post is here to offer some clarity and direction.
Clarifying Your Emotions
Understanding your emotions plays a vital role in navigating who you are and the labels you might identify with. It’s all about being in tune with your feelings, whether they have to do with your sexuality, gender, or any other part of your life. By taking the time to acknowledge and process these emotions, you can gain a deeper insight into yourself, making it easier to make choices that align with your true needs—whether that’s in relationships, work, or personal growth.
Grasping the Concept of Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation is essentially about who you’re attracted to—whether emotionally, romantically, or sexually. It’s a deeply personal and sometimes complicated aspect of who we are, and everyone’s experience with it is unique. Embracing these differences is vital, not just for yourself, but in how we relate to others. For example, a therapist who specializes in working with lesbian clients might also support individuals who identify as gay, bisexual, or queer. Gaining a deeper understanding of your sexual orientation can help you make sense of your feelings, navigate relationships, and ultimately build a stronger, more authentic sense of self.
Discovering Your True Identity Label
Figuring out who you truly are can be both challenging and empowering. It often takes time and introspection to find a label or identity that really feels authentic to you. This process might involve reflecting on your experiences, exploring different perspectives, and talking to others who have gone through similar journeys. And that’s okay—your label is deeply personal, and it may change as you grow and learn more about yourself. What matters most is that you feel comfortable with who you are, no matter what that label ends up being.
Accepting Your Identity
Opening up about your true self and accepting who you are often come together. When you’re able to be open with others, it can lead to greater self-assurance and a more genuine sense of self-worth. Though the process may feel daunting, it’s also incredibly freeing.
Imagine being able to tell your roommate, family, or friends who you really are, and being met with acceptance and love. Your space, whether it’s an apartment or a house, should feel like a sanctuary, where you don’t have to fear judgment. By embracing your true identity, you can build a life that feels more authentic and fulfilling.
How to Approach Coming Out
I recently finished reading Getting to Center: Pathways to Finding Yourself Within the Great Unknown by Marlee Grace. While it wasn’t exactly my top pick, I did find some valuable insights along the way. If you’re navigating the process of coming out, it might be helpful to first focus on “coming in”—a concept Grace explores in her book. Getting to Center dives into her personal journey and what it really means to reconnect with yourself before sharing that part of you with others.
Marlee’s insights on queerness and vulnerability really stood out to me, especially in relation to my work with sex therapy clients in Denver. She shares how confronting her own sexual identity played a key role in her journey to self-understanding. What really caught my attention, though, was her take on being “in the closet.”
For a long time, Marlee thought that being in the closet meant feeling unhappy and disconnected from your partner sexually. But what she realized—and what many people don’t know—is that it’s completely possible to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship while still questioning your sexuality. It’s actually quite common, and an important part of many people’s path to self-acceptance.
When people come to me for sex therapy, they don’t typically say, “I need to come out.”
Most don’t come in with the statement, “I know I’m gay, but I’m hiding it.”
Instead, they usually arrive feeling confused and uncertain about their sexual identity. They might share things like:
- “Something feels off, but I don’t know what.”
- “I keep thinking about something that happened with a close friend.”
- “I care deeply for my partner, but I’m also drawn to someone else.”
- “I’ve been with men before and didn’t enjoy it, so why do I feel like I want to try again?”
These are the kinds of questions and emotions people struggle with when exploring their sexuality. It’s not about fitting into a neat category—it’s a personal journey that can be full of doubt, but also growth.
When people seek sex therapy with me, they’re often filled with anxiety about facing their emotions and thoughts. They fear that acknowledging their feelings might lead to a breakup or divorce. They’re concerned that their loved ones will view them differently or that they might not be “queer enough” to fully embrace a gay identity. There’s also the worry of asking questions they think might be wrong or that will make them feel even more uncertain about who they are. These fears can make the journey of self-discovery feel incredibly intimidating.
Signs You Might Be Gay
In a world where being straight is often seen as the default, it can be challenging to navigate your own feelings of attraction. Society typically assumes everyone experiences attraction in the same way, but that’s simply not the case. Attraction is complex and can manifest in many forms—sexual, physical, romantic, and emotional—and sorting through these can be a lot to unpack. For queer individuals, including gay men, this journey is often made even more difficult by societal expectations and the pressure to fit into certain boxes.
If you’re questioning your own feelings, it might help to reflect on some key questions. Don’t rush this process—take your time to jot down your thoughts, doodle, or simply sit with your emotions. Many queer people share this process of self-discovery, and while it can feel lonely at times, you’re far from alone in your journey to understand your identity and accept your true self.
Is Am I Gay Quizz Right for You? Exploring Your Sexual Orientation
Questions to Reflect on When Exploring Your Sexual Attraction
- Do I have the urge to engage in sexual intimacy with others?
- Who am I most inclined to connect with on a sexual level?
- Who do I find myself attracted to sexually or physically?
- What does sexual attraction feel like for me? How do I recognize it?
Questions to Reflect on Romantic Attraction and Your Sexuality
- Have I ever developed strong feelings for someone, like a crush or infatuation?
- Who do I find myself drawn to in a romantic sense?
- Who do I feel excited about having a romantic relationship with?
- Are there people, including those who identify as non-binary, I could see myself forming a romantic bond with?
Questions to Explore Emotional Attraction in Your Journey
- Who do I want to connect with on a deeper emotional level?
- Are there individuals I feel a strong emotional link or connection to?
- Who do I feel curious about getting to know better, both emotionally and personally?
Exploring Attraction to the Same Gender
Dealing with same gender attractions can feel confusing and sometimes unsettling, especially if you’re uncertain about your sexual identity. It’s important to understand that being attracted to someone of the same gender doesn’t automatically mean you’re gay or lesbian. Many people experience these feelings at different points in their lives, and questioning your sexual orientation is a completely natural process. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s vital to give yourself the freedom to explore your emotions and desires without pressure to define them right away. Take your time to understand your feelings and how they might evolve.
Sexuality is not Fixed
In Coming to Center, Marlee reflects on the overwhelming challenge of facing a major life shift as she neared thirty.
It seemed utterly daunting.
It felt like she was being dishonest with herself.
“Can I truly be gay?” she wondered. “I’m married, I love my partner, and our intimacy is fulfilling!”
She opens up about how often she struggled with her own sexual identity, sometimes settling on the labels of queer or bisexual. And honestly, those labels could have fit, too.
Final Thoughts
In the end, Marlee’s journey highlights the complexity and uncertainty that often accompanies the exploration of one’s sexual identity. The process of self-discovery isn’t linear, and it doesn’t always fit into neat boxes. Whether it’s questioning, experimenting, or embracing fluidity, understanding who you are takes time, reflection, and sometimes a little discomfort. What’s important is that, just like Marlee, you allow yourself the space to question and redefine your identity, knowing that it’s okay to evolve and grow along the way. Your feelings are valid, no matter where they lead you, and embracing them can be the first step toward living a more authentic and fulfilling life.
